Our new bed.

We've been in the market for a new bed since our little co-sleeper joined us. We currently have a queen size bed, but we've had it for years, and both the mattress (even though it's a Heavenly Bed) and headboard are due for an upgrade.

I came across this Nail Button Tufted Wingback Bed at Target.com, and loved the clean lines and linen look. I was originally going to go for the light gray, but after much internal debating, went with the white instead. I'll layer soft plum, deep indigo, and camel leather accents onto the white foundation. I took my sister-in-law's advice and waited for the elusive 40% discount, which dropped today! The king-sized bed ended up being $521.99 on sale. With the REDcard discount, handling, and taxes, the total came to $557.16. Not bad, especially considering a similar look at Restoration Hardware (below) would run me a minimum of $4,249.

All in all, I am very happy about this purchase, and hopeful that the bed won't disappoint when it arrives (right before baby's due date... eek!). Now on the hunt for a new mattress... I'm leaning towards this one, which is not the cheapest of mattresses, but the quality seems to be good, and nothing beats the convenience of ordering online. Plus, there's no tax and a 15-year warranty, so amortized over time, the cost comes down to about 29 cents/day. The gift of a good night's sleep (or at least the extent to which we can control that night's sleep) is the best gift we can give to ourselves these days.


I splurged.

One of the art studios that I've been following for awhile – Parima Creative Studio – released a special Black Friday deal to subscribers. I just love so many of her pieces, and the fact that the one that is my favorite also shares the same name sealed the deal. I'm turning 3-0 in a couple weeks, and what better way to celebrate a new decade than with a great piece of art that's my namesake. I've felt like my 20s have been about growing into myself and learning to have the courage to like what I like without being unduly influenced by what others like, and this piece captures so much of what my style has grown into.

I love the balance of warmth and coolness – camel and black, white and slate blue and that so many of my favorite colors are incorporated – that minty blue-teal that is so coastal California, the soft plum, and the pops of fuchsia and red-orange (think Essie's Hiking Heels).

I bought this in the 24 x 24 canvas, which is the just-right size for a statement piece in our small space. It's part of a new color palette that I've been imagining for our place, as I try to put words to my style. Right now, I'm thinking that my dream house is a 'Contemporary Spanish Farmhouse,' but we'll see how that evolves. ;) I'll post pics as the items for our re-style trickle in. Use promo code ARTWKND20 for 20% off through the 28th, if you are interested in snagging a piece of your own.



I'm immersed in Present Over Perfect right now, Shauna Niequist's book that I pre-ordered months ago. I'm 36 pages in, and already, this stands out: 

"A friend and I recently talked about how invested we both are in people thinking that we're low maintenance – we both want to be seen as flexible, tough, roll-with-anything kinds of women. And this ends up keeping us from asking for what we need, for fear of being labeled difficult or diva-ish."

I have no fear of being labeled difficult. But I do have a simmering resentment that those fears are not misplaced. I've spoken up about time with my family and have been told that it was a "power play." And no one else protested that label but me. Something is very, very wrong when expressing needs, drawing boundaries, advocating for equal say is labeled as being difficult or controlling.

I work way too hard – both at my actual job, and then again, at home – and am way too tired, you know, growing a human being and all, to be ok with this: being mocked and vilified for asking for partnership, in my marriage and in my family. The price for being "flexible" is steep – exhaustion, disconnection, resentment; the penalty for speaking up is equally heavy – malignment, contempt, and the most emotionally hurtful label any mother can be given, "selfish."

I would love to wake up one day and realize that I was being silly and ridiculous and that what I thought was reality was just a figment of my imagination. But seven years into marriage, and this is still the alternate universe that I'm living in.

The women say, "Self-care! Happy moms are the best moms." And the men say, "Sure, honey, rest up. I'll just be spending the afternoon playing the most expensive, elitist, and time-consuming sport known to man – golf." 

I would love to take a spa day – sipping mocktails by the pool after an hour-long pregnancy massage and another hour-long facial. But that would take precious time away from my boys and precious money away from actual needs – diapers, student loans, an umbrella stroller for our upcoming trip.

I was an Econ major. I am well-versed in opportunity cost, trade-offs, optimization models. And yet, how do I optimize this life? How do I check off the boxes of: nourished, fulfilled, connected and also the boxes: good mother, happy wife?

I want to be heard, I want to be acknowledged, I want partnership. When has that turned into too much to ask for?

There's been a lot of talk of injustices lately, and for good reason. There is a danger to silencing voices, a danger to using privilege and your own metrics to compel others to live the same way you do. These inequalities are not just in the space of the "other." They coexist in our own homes and our own families. They play out in our otherwise happy lives, in the early morning silence, behind closed doors.

I don't have an answer to this. I love my husband, I love my family, I love my work. And yet: enough. I'm tired of struggling for partnership. I'm tired of justifying my needs. I'm tired of competing and negotiating and strategizing for a good marriage. I am straight-up, unapologetically tired.